This one is for all the good dads out there...

Every year around Mother's Day the internet is full of posts about why Mother's Day is so painful, stupid, wonderful, etc. There doesn't seem to be the same amount of angst surrounding Fathers Day. Except for me there is. You see, Father's Day has always been awkward for me because my father and I have never been close. These days I only hear from him once or twice a year and it's usually an obligatory text message on my birthday or on Christmas. But even when I was a kid my father was very distant. I remember telling my kindergarten teacher that I knew my dad didn't love me because he didn't ever say so or hug me or anything. My poor teacher tried to assure me that all daddies loved their kids but I wasn't convinced. Obviously now as an adult, I think my father loved me in his own way, but he either didn't know how to show it or simply chose not to. Or perhaps it is a generational thing, that the men of his generation weren't taught to show their feelings or to interact with their kids. Whatever the case, we've definitely never had the kind of relationship where I felt I could turn to him for advice or reassurance or anything like that.

But at least I always felt like I was able to look up to him and respect him. Or so I thought...

About five years ago my mother caught my father cheating. It was the most devastating thing that has ever happened to my family. He never came back home after that, I can only assume out embarrassment or guilt or both. He moved in with his mother and his sister (interestingly enough the other woman was/is my aunt's best friend, nice huh?) but he refused to divorce my mother. My poor mom has been stuck in a hard place where she can't work because she still has a child at home that needs to be carted around to school, seminary and after school activities (they literally live out in the middle of nowhere, nothing is close) so she she is still completely dependant on my father. Meanwhile my father has been carrying on with his girlfriend on the side all the while, they even bought a ranch together so that can raise bulls. Barf. So anyway, all this has made our interactions rather awkward. He has and continues to cause so much pain to people that I love. He is essentially holding my mother hostage. I wish he would divorce her so that way she could at least be free to move on with her life and so that we could all start working on forgiveness. But it doesn't look like he will be changing his mind anytime soon. Sigh. 

Needless to say with all these daddy issues I have a real soft spot in my heart for good fathers. I see them a lot. I've noticed the men of my generation seem to be much more involved in their kids lives, they change diapers, administer medicines, and get up in the middle of the night with their kids. I see dads at the park wearing their babies proudly, I see them playing with their kids outside, taking their screaming toddler out of sacrament, being openly affectionate with them. Brian is definitely one these kinds of dads. I could not have married someone any more different from my father. I did that consciously. Brian is very good at communicating and expressing his feelings. He is very doting on Shye and that makes me incredibly happy. I have to admit that I was a little worried when I was pregnant because he wasn't terribly fond of children. But I distinctly remember the moment when Shye was born, I couldn't see her but I heard her cry so I looked over at Brian because he could see better what was going on and he had tears in his eyes as he watched them weigh Shye and clean her up. He went over to pick her up and when he brought her back to me I swear his entire demeanor had changed. He looked almost thunderstruck. He was like a different person from that moment on. I could see that he loved her right there even under the hazy influence of all the drugs they gave me for the c-section. And he has been such a good dad to her ever since. She hasn't made it easy for either, in fact she has been downright mean to him at times, wanting nothing to do with him. But he has been persistent and lately she has been really warming up to him. I have no doubt that as she grows older they will become even closer and who knows, she might even decide to switch from being a mommas girl to a daddy's girl. I would be totally fine with that. 

So to all the good dads out there, thanks for all that you do and Happy Fathers Day!