Verbal Vomit

So hey. It's been a while again. I feel bad that this little blog is getting neglected. Not because it's something I'm supposed to do or anything, but because I actually really enjoy blogging. But the fact of the matter is that lately I've been in a really strange headspace where like half my brain has been consumed by my house and another half of my brain is preoccupied with my infertility issues and the last half of my brain is devoted to everything else. Yes, that means I have one and a half brains total. My head feels incredibly crowded. So this is me trying to clear a little headspace so I don't lose it. 

Is it just me or is there some raging PMS spreading over social media? I've been called out and/or put down repeatedly over the past few weeks. I'm sure some of it is well deserved.  But I get the sense that perhaps people think I'm bragging too much lately. Please know that when I share pictures of myself or my house or other aspects of my life I'm not trying to show off. I'm sharing tidbits of my life that I think would interest my friends and family. That being said, I admittedly get really excited about stupid things like finding a green chair at the thrift store for 8 bucks or that I'm able to zip up my jeans again after 7 weeks of eating clean. I hope that when I share things like that that it doesn't come off like I'm bragging. If I ever do sound like I'm bragging, please forgive me. I've had a hellacious couple of years and things are just now getting better. I get excited about little things that go right because for a long time there it felt like nothing would go right in my life again.

I'm also desperately trying to distract myself from a gnawing baby hunger that frequently feels like it is going to consume me completely. I'm still not quite recovered from my last loss. Or any of the losses I had last year. Sometimes, without any warning, the sadness of it all hits me like a ton of bricks. At church. While washing dishes. Sitting at stoplight. Actually, a ton of bricks sounds like a nice, soft pillow compared to the way I feel sometimes. A few people have asked when we will try again and my honest answer is I don't know. It will probably be a while. I can't bear the thought of another miscarriage so we will be waiting until I get some testing done. I'm not giving up but I am taking a break from it all for the next few months. Judging by how ill I was during my last pregnancy I need some time regain my health. So that will be my focus for the next few months, recovering my health and hopefully my sanity.

In other news, I'm absolutely loving where we live. This is probably the first time in my life that I can really say that. Of all the places I've ever lived, Tucson, Phoenix, Safford, Provo, Spanish Fork, Orange County, I have to say I'm surprised that downtown Salt Lake feels the most like home to me. I have to pinch myself everyday, like am I really here? I love the big, old trees that line our street. I love the old mansions in our neighborhood. I love all the unique old buildings downtown. I love that I can walk everywhere. I love the hustle and bustle of downtown. I love that my grocery store has a parking garage. I even love the gritty feel in some of the less reputable parts of downtown, feels so much more authentic than shiny, spotless Utah county. I love all the variety of food around here. I love driving/walking past the temple every single day. I love our rock church with it's stained glass windows. I love my little, old, quirky house. Like I said before, for a long time there if felt like nothing was going right in my life. So it surprises me on a daily basis that things are so swell. It just goes to show that hard times don't last forever. 

And lastly, I just want to say to anyone who is going through trials of their own: I'm here for you. I mean it. I can send you virtual hugs, virtual fist bumps, cheer you on, or just listen if you need someone to vent to. Seriously, call me, text me, message me, send me smoke signals, I'll be here for ya.