"I should have known that it wasn't going to be that easy" I kept thinking to myself as I waited in exam room #2 for my doctor to deliver what I was sure was going to be some bad news. I was exactly 11 weeks pregnant. Just about an hour earlier my doctor had been unable to find the heartbeat and had sent me over to the ultrasound tech for an immediate ultrasound just to make sure that everything was ok. During the ultrasound the tech wouldn't speak to me, not a good sign. And I was too afraid to ask her to confirm what I could see on the screen for myself: a little tiny bean-shaped baby with no heartbeat. Instead she just wiped my stomach clean and told me to go wait in exam room #2 for my doctor.
As I waited for my doctor I kept thinking about this pregnancy. How it came to be. I was really pretty set on not even trying for another one until Shye was at least two. And then one night in December I got a very strong impression that there was supposed to be another baby here NOW. And so we decided to start trying right away. I fully expected it to be awhile before anything happened since it took me twelve months plus one surgery to get pregnant with Shye. So as you can imagine, I was shocked to find out I was pregnant the first week of February, I remember telling Brian "gosh, that was easy". The nausea and the fatigue were pretty bad at first but then they seemed to taper off after a few weeks and became completely manageable. My pregnancy with Shye was horrible. The nausea, the fatigue, the insane food aversions, the spd, oh I have nightmares about the spd, believe me when I say it was a hard pregnancy. But this pregnancy had been fairly easy. And dang it, I deserved an easy pregnancy after going thru a hard one, right?
The due date was October 18th. A fall baby. I couldn't imagine anything more perfect than a brand new baby to enjoy my favorite season with. Shye would be two and a half in October, they would be close enough in age that they could be friends, but far apart enough that my sanity wouldn't be questioned. :) And I was convinced it was going to be a boy (even though I would actually really, REALLY love another girl) and Brian and I had been discussing names. We had already found a name that we both loved. Which is crazy because with Shye we debated endlessly up until she was born. Everything about this pregnancy just seemed to be falling into place. It was all too easy.
But the doctor came in. And she confirmed what I feared. There wasn't a heartbeat. And just like that, my easy pregnancy was over.
My miscarriage started on Easter weekend, the holiday normally spent celebrating rebirth and new life. The irony was not lost on me. It continued on through my birthday, Brian breaking his ankle, Shye having the stomach flu, Brian's surgery, and the rest of the sorry month of April. And it was still going on through Mother's day, yet another ironic slap in the face. And it is still going on even now. (I just went to the doctor, even though it seems that my body is trying to set a world record for the longest miscarriage ever, I am otherwise completely healthy.) It's as if my body just can't get over losing this pregnancy. It's appropriate really, since I can't seem to get over it myself.
In recent weeks, several friends have announced pregnancies with October due dates, and while I am happy for them, really I am, each announcement just reminds me of my loss. All those April Fool's Day fake pregnancy announcements were definitely not funny to me this year. And since I can't seem to figure out how to unsubscribe from their mailing list, I get weekly emails from Baby Center updating me about my baby's progress. I know that I shouldn't be so sensitive, but it's hard not to be when you're heart-broken. I've learned in the past few weeks that grief is a very lonely, very selfish thing.
I know some people think that having a miscarriage is just the body getting rid of a mass of cells, most likely a defective mass of cells. (I wish people would stop saying that to me like it's comforting or something, that my baby was defective and I should be grateful that my body got rid of it.) It's just a fact of life, something that is statistically bound to happen sooner or later. But for me it was more than that. I mean, yes, I know I will have other babies. (Another thing I wish people would stop saying.) But I wanted THIS baby. It was and still is completely heart breaking to think that I'm not ever going to get to hold this baby, or kiss his little face, or fall asleep with him on my chest. It was a loss of all the hopes and dreams a mother can have for her child.
I'm so sorry, Shawna. I hope that you can feel the Lord's love for you and know that He is there to comfort and guide you through this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteThank you Emily, and I do.
Deletelove you
ReplyDeleteI was reading this today, maybe you can find some continued comfort in it.
ReplyDelete1 Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks;
2 Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament—the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.
3 Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name’s glory, saith the Lord.
D&C 98:1-3
I know there is nothing I could exactly say to make it all better. Just know you are loved and prayed for. Hug.
Thanks Steph.
DeleteShawna, I am so sorry. I really am. I wish I could say or do something to make it better. But I know I can't. So, instead, just know that I'm thinking of you, my friend.
ReplyDeleteThanks, I definitely appreciate it.
DeleteThis is so beautiful. I am glad you wrote about it. Sometimes writing something beautiful is all that can be taken from the heartbreak life hands us. I have no words of comfort, or perspective. Just know that my eyes are crying tears for your loss, your dreams of mothering that sweet baby boy, and the physical exhaustion you must be feeling.
ReplyDeleteThanks. And yes, writing about did seem to therapeutic in a way.
DeleteI still feel the pain of loosing my first pregnancy and understand how you feel. People told me the same things. It is so hard. I love you and the only advice I have to to rely on the Lord for comfort because he is the only one who can and take your time. Don't feel like you have to "move on" before you are ready. Love you!
ReplyDeleteThanks Marly, it really helps to talk to someone who has been through something similar.
DeleteI'm so sorry, Shawna! I wish I had known. I'm sure you didn't appreciate my comment that Shy needed a sibling. :( I'm pretty sure you'll get to raise that baby...someday. I know there's nothing I can say or do to help. But just know that I love ya and you're in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jenn.
DeleteI was thinking about you just this morning when I was saying my prayers. I asked God to be with you but I didn't know why exactly. I guess now I do. It may seem like nothing helps you forget what you can't have but I know God can take a little part of that pain away. It may not seem like alot right now but every little bit helps.
ReplyDeleteThanks Ann, I truly do appreciate it. And every bit does help.
DeleteWow Shawna, that is a lot to deal with. Now I know why I have missed seeing you at church. Please know that you are loved, greatly, by those here on earth as well as those above! You are in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteThanks Katrena.
DeleteThinking of you and sending my love and positive healthy energy your way.
ReplyDeleteThanks, I appreciate it.
DeleteI am so sorry. So very sorry. We will be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you Jenny.
DeleteOh Shawna, I'm feeling for you. I'm going through something similar right now. It puts you in such strange place, but I find comfort in thinking that we don't really "lose" anything, we just gain experience, albeit a painful one. Love you.
ReplyDeleteLindy
Thanks Lindy. All my love to you too.
DeleteShawna, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It is such a hard experience that is just awful no matter what. I wish I could give you a big hug, even though you'd hate it. I hope it gets easier soon. I remember, when I had my miscarriage, why I would've had such a strong impression we should have another baby if I was just going to end up miscarrying. I don't know if I'll ever know, but He does and I definitely learned to trust more in that. I hope another baby comes your way so, so soon. Love you!
ReplyDeleteThanks Stacey.
Delete:( I can only imagine what your going through. My thoughts are with you. I really do appreciate you sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteHey Shawna- We lost our first pregnancy pretty much the same exact way in December. All I can say is it totally sucks! That heartbreak is the worst! It will go away eventually right?
ReplyDeleteOur thoughts are with you guys!!!
Oh, Shawna. So sad. This made me cry. In between Gabe and Eva, I had a miscarriage. I had known for a month when I started bleeding. It was a horrible feeling. Such panic and then overwhelming sadness. I has to go to the hospital twice to take tests to confirm. And the baby was going to be born in December--my birth month, due just 5 days before my birthday--same sign as me, 36 years younger than me--same Chinese zodiac sign, a dragon. I was so excited to have my December dragon baby. Well, I didn't get her and I never will because I will not be having babies in 12 years. Anyway...I get it. It hurts. Your loss is real and your grief is legit and I'm so sorry, my sweet friend. Yes, you will have more babies, but not your fall boy, just 2 1/2 months younger than his sister, and for that I am so, so sorry. <3
ReplyDeleteShawna, I'm so sorry! While not having gone through this myself, I have sat next to several friends while they have gone through it. And I've thought about saying all those things you said you don't want to hear. And I didn't say them. Because nothing makes it better. There is nothing to say.
ReplyDelete